Espiya Lobby > Humor

[moved] Mga kakatuwang mga kwento!!!

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philkorkim:
[size=20]"Flat Tummy"[/size]

[size=11]A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresss quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks "What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"Youre wasting your time." says the boy.

"Why is that?" asked him mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."[/size]
 

philkorkim:
[size=20]"Be Strong.."[/size]

A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and starts kissing her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants to go all the way, dont resist, dont complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you" To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too...

philkorkim:
[size=20]"Codeword For Sex"[/size]

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he cant type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

philkorkim:
bodiep basahin mo to alam ko mahilig ka d2... hehe matatawa ka! [size=16][/size]

[size=20]Actual Cybersex Log[/size]


Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as youll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesnt seem to quite get the point of Cybersex. Then again, maybe he does....

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and
high heels. I work out every day, Im toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: Im 63" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Wal-Mart. Im also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner. Its smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you! Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: Were in my bedroom. Theres soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. Im looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: Im gulping, Im beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: Im pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung Now Im unbuttoning your blouse.
My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: Im moaning softly.

Wellhung: Im taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: Im throwing my head back in pleasure.
The cool silk slides off my warm skin.
Im rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hands suddenly jerks spastically and accidentallyrips a hole in your blouse. Im sorry.

Sweetheart: Thats OK, it wasnt really too expensive.

Wellhung:Ill pay for it.

Sweetheart: Dont worry about it. Im wearing a lacy black bra.
My soft breasts are rising and falling,
as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: Im fumbling with the clasp on your bra.
I think its stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly...
Im reaching back undoing the clasp.
The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts.
My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? Im picking up the bra and
inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: Im arching my back. Oh baby.
I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: Im dropping the bra. Now Im licking your, you know,
breasts. Theyre neat!

Sweetheart: Im running my fingers through your hair.
Now Im nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered
with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: Im so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: Im wiping your phlegm off my breasts with
the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: Im taking the sopping wet blouse from you.
I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. Im pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing you hard tool. Wellhung: Im screaming like a woman.
Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: Im pulling up my miniskirt. Take of my panties!

Wellhung: Im pulling off your panties. My tongue is going
all over, in and out nibbling on you... ummm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: Whats the matter?

Wellhung: Ive got a pubic hair caught in my throat.
Im choking!

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: Im having a coughing fit! Im turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: Im running to the kitchen, choking wildly.
Im fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup.
Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: Im drinking a cup of water. There, thats better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me lover.

Wellhung: Im washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: Im on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: Im drying the cup. Now Im putting it back in the
cabinet. And now Im walking back to the bedroom.
Wait, its dark, Im lost. Wheres the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: Im tuggin off your pants. Im moaning.
I want you so badly

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately our
naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face.
It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why dont you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I cant see very well without them.
I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: Im bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. Im fumbling my way blindly
across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover!

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and its dark. Im feeling around
for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: Im waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: Im done going. Im feeling around for the flush
handle, but I cant find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: Whats the matter now?

Wellhung: Ive realized that Ive peed into your
laundry hamper. Sorry again. Im walking back to the bedroom now,
blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now Im going to put my...you know...thing...
in your... you know...womans thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: Im touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I
kiss your neck. Umm, Im having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: Im moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I cant
stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: Im flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: Im limp. I cant sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: Im standing up and turning around,
an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: Im shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener
is all floppy. Im going to get my glasses and see whats wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. Im getting dressed. Im putting
on my underwear. Now Im putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now Im squinting, trying to find the night
table. Im feeling along the dresser, knocking
over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: Im buttoning my blouse.
Now Im putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: Ive found my glasses. Im putting them on. My God!
One of our candles fell on the curtain.
The curtain is on fire!
Im pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell! Im logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh nooooo!

Sweetheart: Bye!!!

philkorkim:
[size=20]"The Bottle"[/size]

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man.

The note reads:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants." The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her, and it read: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL and a Mercedes 600SL in my garage, and I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."

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