Let me write a prose to put a flow to all the emotions that is running through my veins right now. My heart is in a constant victory dance lately and I owe this to a man who has constantly proven to me that there is still a possibility in the dream of finding love in this part of the universe.
He is a man who doesn't know the meaning of giving up, and thus, he did not give up on me. Despite the numerous times that I just plainly laughed at his silly role-plays of husband and wife while we were chatting, the whirl-wind of mood swings I have put him through, and the times that I simply did not reply to his messages quick enough. He was very patient with me, encouraging me that I can get through all the hardships I was experiencing, and constantly extending a hand out to help me whenever he could. Even though he was most of the time tired, lacked sleep, sick, or really busy, he never missed to greet me good morning, remind me to eat, and to hurry up whenever I’m gonna be running late. I thought that he would get tired eventually, but he simply won’t let up.
I have to admit that it was a bit annoying in the beginning. I am not used to being checked all the time unless I wanted to be. I’m that kind of person who doesn't give much crap about someone else’s business when I’m not involved at all, and so I’m not expecting other people to give that much crap into whatever I am doing as well. But as a friend warned me before, he just simply creeps into your system. He was simply making his way to you. And yes, he had slowly earned a place in my heart.
I didn't realize it immediately, but I slowly was anticipating for his messages on certain times. And I was beginning to get annoyed whenever he doesn't hit back almost immediately. Then came the mixes he plays every night in the club. He told me that he plays one of my favorite songs every night as an opener to his set. He sent me the link to download the file, and I honestly did not know what to do with it. I just decided to download and listen to it. For some weird reason, it felt like the mix was for me. And I took it as mine without him knowing at all. It felt like a gift and so I included it to my collection on my iPod. I listened to it for several days while I’m taking a bath, going to work, or going to bed. It became a part of my most played songs. I even transferred the file to my mobile phones. It became a part of my daily routines.
One day, while I was waiting for my shift to start for I arrived an hour early, he asked me if he could get my digits so that maybe he could call me whenever he would have the time. I thought of it for a few moments and decided to give it to him after. I assumed he’d never call. That’s gonna be a very expensive international call if he would. Well, I’ll be damned. He was calling. I didn’t know what to say to him. But I answered the call anyways. I was a bit shocked with his voice. It was really manly and deep. I know what he looks like, but I never guessed what his voice would sound like. I was a bit speechless. And as I was already making up an excuse in my head as to why I need to end the call, my brain was already recording his voice for keeping. I may forget names, and some other important stuff quickly, but I never forget a voice (although I may forget who it belongs to).
The call became a regular thing. As soon as I tell him it’s my lunch break, he immediately calls me. As soon as I wake up, we Skype. I appreciate the effort very much, but I really don’t know how to tell him that. And that’s not the only instance that I cannot express how thankful I am and so I end up being mean to him instead. Yet, he never changed nor stopped. There was this one instance that we brushed upon the topic of feelings. At that time, I really don’t know what he was driving at, and so I played it as casual as I could. "Not too close, Ice. Not too close." I reminded myself of the loads of shit I just went through. I simply do not want to go through all that crap again.
The day came when he finally had the courage to tell me that he likes me. And so what do I say to that? I gave it a careful thought and I told him that I did the same. I would have not had the patience to talk to him so often if I didn’t. He said he intends for us to be together and if that was alright with me. I asked that he gives me more time to consider it. And so the courting began. Courting that I planned to last for 6 months, which broke my reserve within a matter of days. I was mean to him that night. We were supposed to Skype before I went to bed. I ended up waiting for an hour. I was disappointed and decided to sleep. After a few minutes, my phone rang. I ignored it for I really was so sleepy. I don’t think I’d be in the right mood to talk to him anymore. I answered the call and was furious. He was semi-drunk. He was drinking with his friends from work. I already knew this, and I don’t have any intentions to talk to a drunken person. Not when all I wanna do is to sleep. But bless my soul, he was adorably annoying. Annoying to the point that I find it cute. He showed me everything he could that was inside his bag that night. He was trying his best to make me calm down. He knew I was upset for waiting for an hour for him. I got annoyed again at some point and told him that I was going to bed. I ended the call and went to sleep.
I woke up with a heavy feeling. I remembered what I did to him that night. I was really mean. I got out of bed really early and prepared to go to work. I realized that I was still too early for work and decided to open my laptop and log on to Facebook to check on him. Apparently, he still was fast asleep.
I had a sudden fear while I was staring at his username, waiting for that green circle to appear. I suddenly felt that he might slip away from me because of what I have done that night. I was really anxious to talk to him. Finally, after 30 minutes, he hit back. He was sporting a hangover that time and I thought it’s best to tell him later, but he said he was fine. So I went ahead and told him the things I wanted him to know first.
I asked that he be patient with me. I have the worst case of mood swings most of the time. Sometimes, I stay silent because I don’t know how to put exactly in words what I wanna say most of the time.
That he doesn't argue with me when I’m frustrated. All I really need is soothing words and a hug.
That he doesn't need to be there when I need him the most, but I would highly appreciate it if he was. I know that this distance is a huge hindrance for us. That there would be a lot of times we can’t avoid that we’re not physically there for each other. But what matters is I know he’s there. That makes a whole lot of difference.
That he says what he means and means what he says. Like I said before, don’t promise when you can’t keep it. I hate that the most.
That he doesn’t laugh at me when I’m trying to be sweet. I won’t repeat that ever if he does that. I easily get shy and I rarely get the courage to show how I feel. This explains very much the reason why I become mean sometimes.
And I just realized then that a chance on love is difficult to get by in this lifetime. And I don’t wanna miss this chance especially when it feels right. But I’m a very difficult person. There are things about me that I want him to discover for himself. I guess what I’m asking him is, that if he had liked the perfect side of me, then do the same with my imperfections. I still have a lot to learn… but, I wanna learn them with him.
I said yes that night and we made it official. He was happy. I was really happy. I was in a very good mood all throughout the day.
The mixes he sends me, I keep them all on my iPod. I created a playlist solely for the sets I get from him. I listen to them whenever I could.
But what I love hearing the most is his voice, while telling me a story, his dreams, his plans, his worries, while he’s at work, while still in bed, when he first opens his eyes, when he sings, when he’s eating, when he makes fun of his colleagues…when he talks to me.
I cannot wait for the day to come when I’d be able to hear that voice directly with my ears without an earpiece, when I’d be able to hold his hand to assure him, when I’d be able to comb his curly hair with my fingers…but most of all, that moment when I’m going to tell him I love him while I let him feel how he makes my heart skip a beat.
