Topic: Laughter is the Best Medicine

[chinita]

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt... one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps...

He whispers..."Iron this, and get me something to eat."
__________________

 

[chinita]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry. I was just thinking of my own funeral . . . I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

[chinita]

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "I'll give you a $1000 dollars if you let me screw you"....but the girl said, "NO."

Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......

She said "The bastard used coins"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
 

[chinita]

Mag-asawa having sex...
HUSBAND: Honey, mag dirty talk ka naman para ganahan ako!
WIFE: Ahhh...****! Basuraaa... Kanal... Taeee...Oooh... Patay na dagaaaa.........!

After having sex, panay pa rin ang hawak ng girl sa ari ng boy...
BOY: Gusto mo pa uli?
GIRL: Hindi, namimiss ko lang... Meron kase ako nito dati eh.

PARROT: Psst! Baho! Baho! Baho!
IKAW: Pag sinabi mo pa uli sa kin yan, papatayin kita!
D next day...
PARROT: Psst! Psst!
IKAW: O, Bakit?!
PARROT: Lam mo na yun!

[chinita]

A man escapes from prison, where he'd been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young
couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He
climbs into the bed, gets on top of the woman, kisses her neck, then gets up
and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife:"Listen, this guy is
an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time
in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If
he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain do whatever he tells you. Satisfy
him, no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very
dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love
you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any
Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love
you,too!!!!!"


 

[chinita]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.