MY ETHEREAL VANESSA2:38am
Wow, I?ve been in bed for four hours and a half and still I could not sleep. It?s like I?ve forgotten how to fall asleep. I shifted to my left.
Maybe it was the almost endless quarrel we had this afternoon. Tsk tsk.
I shifted to my right side.
I can?t stop thinking about it. I feel so guilty. I never should?ve shouted in front of her. But she can?t blame me. She?s the one who?s flirting shamelessly with that stupid football guy named Stephen.
Can?t believe I?m saying this. No, this is not a lie; it?s just an---overstatement. Okay, maybe she wasn?t flirting. Or maybe, it was the other way around. That Stephen guy was the one flirting with her.
I know I?ve hurt her. God, I must apologize. Damn me and my stupid pride.
I could still envision her hurt eyes, that look. It?s as if I was the most ruthless person in the world. She made me feel like I bombed the U.S. or that I was synonymous to Satan.
I love her.
That is one thing I could never deny. Or if I?d try to, I?m sure I?d be bad at it. She loved me too, so much. I can see it in her eyes.
Her eyes.
It hurt me twice to see that distrust, anger, anxiety blended in her warm, beautiful, chestnut eyes.
God, I must apologize.
I looked at my clock: 2:55am it says. Not bad. I could still call her.
Oh no. Call her? At this unholy hour? I can?t stain black on her parents? impression towards me. If I call her now, surely they would think I wasn?t a ?reasonable? person. Whatever.
What am I gonna do?
Think Romeo and Juliet. Right. My imaginary friend was telling me this. But hey, this isn?t a very bad idea. I could knock at her window and tell her how I feel. Tell her I?m sorry and that I would do anything to patch things up between us. Tell her she?s beautiful. Tell her I?d be that last person in the world who?d want to hurt her. Whoa. So many things kept popping out of my pathetic mind, so that signals one thing: I gotta go---now.
So I grabbed my jacket?it?s chillin? outside--- and opened my window. I was ready to jump. I don?t care if my room?s in second floor. Trust me, I was a baseball star. It?s now or never. Now or never. I keep talking to myself and meanwhile?
Plok. Plok. Plok.
Rain!
Shit. What could be worse?! It?s freakin? rainin?.
But then again, it?s now or never. So I shoved all my inner demons aside and jumped out of my window. With my palm in the ?shade-motion?(the way I put it across my eyebrow to shade my eyes from the sunlight), I started to walk to their house. It was hard to figure out the way when it?s really raining hard. My sneakers were muddy. I realized that my jacket was more of a liability, it?s really starting to get filled with rain and it?s kinda heavy now. Shrugging my jacket out of my shoulders I began to run to their house fast. I didn?t care about getting wet or getting cold or getting hit by some trailer truck. All I cared about was her, Vanessa. For now, and always.
I stopped. I looked over my shoulder. I was in the middle of the street, three blocks from their house and feeling terribly exhausted. I was alone and I--- wait is that her?
I could see her vague figure from here. She?s walking towards me.
?Vanessa!? I called out.
Then she was walking away from me and then she stopped. She turned and faced me. She was like, only five feet away from me. She looked at me with sympathetic eyes. Wonder what those eyes meant..
?Listen, I?m sorry. I?m an idiot. A total jerk. Perfect loser. I?m sorry Vanessa. I?ve loved you more than anything else. I was crazy, I don?t wanna lose you. You?re the best thing that ever happened to me.? My lips were quivering, I don?t wanna breakdown and cry in front of her. But that was the last thing on my mind now. I?ve told you before, it?s she that matters most now. So I started speaking again.
?Vanessa, I was wrong. I?m sorry for the things I?ve said to you about that Stephen guy. I don?t like him. I was jealous. Envy turned to hate and hate to guilt.? I took some steps forward. For a moment, I thought there was something wrong. She was almost nonchalant. But nearer, she looked really beautiful, even in the rain, she looked ethereal.
But what?s happening? She?s not even saying a word and here am I, pouring words to her like she was some emotional vacuum.
?Kyle, I?m sorry too.? Then she met my eyes. I realized she was in fact, tear-drenched. It was hard to see in the rain. But I know her, my heart is hers and her heart lives in mine.
?It doesn?t matter now, Van. We know we love each other, don?t we?? I was sounding like I was convincing myself of my own words.
?Listen, you don?t understand. I--- ? Her voice trailed when our eyes met.
?Vanessa?I just can?t? I can?t live without you. I will never do it again. Never.?
?Kyle, let me explain. Let me speak first okay??
Thump, thump, thump. My heart?s betraying me; I hope it would shut up. I was getting nervous. Then she started speaking..
?After the time you left me in the caf?, I was so angry at you. I went straight back home and there was nobody. I turned all the lights off and walked to my room. I received a voice mail that my mom and dad will be away for a business trip---again. I was so alone. So alone??
She was sobbing.. That cry made me wanna change the world to make it better for her. But sad to say, I can?t. And I never could. All I wanna do is embrace her.
?No, wait. Let me speak.?
I nodded absent-mindedly.
?You know why I hopelessly cling on you? Because you?re the only permanent thing I have, Kyle. We?ve been going out for a year now and haven?t had a quarrel before that Stephen thing. But for Christ?s sake, Kyle, he?s gay. YOU were the only permanent thing in my life.?
Her words cut to my chest and I was heaving. From exhaustion or from emotional havoc, that I don?t know.
?When we had our quarrel and especially when my fragile heart met with your furious eyes this afternoon, I thought we?d break up. You didn?t even give me a chance to explain. I was so depressed at home. I got sight of the scissors on my study desk and I??
?Oh God, please tell me you didn?t.. Oh God, oh God. Vanessa??
I tried to touch her face. I couldn?t. She felt like a ghost to me.
?I?m sorry Kyle. My body?s still at my house. Nobody knew. Except you.?
?Vanessa?No..No..No..?
This has to be a dream. This has to be a dream. A stupid freakin? lousy dream. Over and over, I was telling myself this. Then she said, almost in a whisper,
?I love you Kyle. I always will. I?m sorry I died for you. I should?ve just lived for you. I love you Kyle. You colored my world.?
I love you Kyle.
I love you Kyle.
I love you Kyle.
And there it sounded like a torture-echo. Throbbing in my brain like crazy. I couldn?t comprehend things. I was too dumb to believe this; I ran to their house and crashed right in front of their door.
?Vanessa! Vanessa!?
I was flying through their stairs and towards her room. I found her dead and her wrist bloody on her bedroom floor. There was no letter. I don?t know how to tell this to her parents. I found the scissors she used to kill herself.
Kill herself. These two words suffocate me.
And so here I am, at their house. At probably four in the morning. I decided I?ll wait till the sun arrives. This will be the last sunshine I?d share with her. I will always be with her, because my heart is hers and her heart lives in mine.
I cry.
In anguish, in pain, in guilt.
I woe over the loss of my beautiful, my chestnut-eyed, my ethereal Vanessa.
---- naisip ko lang ang plot ng story na to when i was washing the plates.. hehe lahat ng stories ko Vanessa at Kyle ang bida. wala lang...
