Losing someone.
Many, if not all, of us have been there... whether because of death, distance or unrequited love or friendzoned.
It is part of life to have loved and to have lost someone.
It's painful, yes.... It's that crushing pain in your chest -- even worse than the worst dysmenorrhea for women or the worst kick in the balls for men -- that makes you want to curl up in a ball and wish for swift death. In our minds, it's worse than the worst torture thought of by evil villains can ever impose on our body. No surgery, no pain relievers, not even a hundred or thousand bottles of beer can ever take away the pain. And we imagine that only death can take away that pain.
Then the numbness.
You will go through the motions of living, even though you feel dead inside. I know that your bed and pillows will beckon you to stay with them forever. But being alone with the pain seems scarier than facing the world.
So you will walk, eat, breathe, bathe, drink, laugh like everyone else, and show to the world that everything is okay. But in your private moments, the numbness is there... the emptiness. It's like a gaping hole in your chest. You feel that you are not whole. That something has been ripped away from you... the something that makes you feel.
So you will walk, go to work or school and go through the motions of the living. But you are dead inside.
You will prefer the numbness over pain like Novocaine during tooth extraction. The lack of feeling becomes a welcome thing. It will become your friend, this numbness...
But I warn you, numbness is a selfish being. It will suck everything out of everything. Those little things that you love? Yeah, Numbness will take away everything that you used to enjoy -- writing, drawing, ice cream, dancing, or whatever. You can go through the motions of doing what you love, but Numbness has taken all things pleasurable from it. They will just be something that you used to love.
Numbness is a lot more selfish than pain.
Because numbness blinds you from practically everything else, everyone else. It's like being locked in a crystal bubble. You see the world around you move, the colors, the joy and happiness. Colors can only be seen outside of the crystal.
But inside that bubble, there's no time. You're in a stasis. Numbness will imprison your whole being. You will be untouchable.
But because Numbness will be with you for a long time, you will soon see it as your friend. You will take comfort in it. You will believe that numbness is your strength.
You will not let anything or anyone penetrate that crystal bubble. After all, being numb is better than writhing in pain.
You will be untouchable. You will not feel it when those crystals hurt anyone else, because you are locked safely inside. The crystal is so thick that even if others try to break through it, they will only hurt themselves.
But numbness is not your enemy. Fear is. You take comfort of not feeling, of being indifferent because it is better than pain. You fear pain. You fear feeling that crushing pain in your chest again.
It's lonely inside that crystal bubble, with only fear and numbness for company. Every image that you see from the outside, reflected in, is distorted. Like ghosts of the present that you cannot run away from, because there is nowhere to hide.
Try as they may, the people outside cannot break the crystal. The crystal's weakness is inside. You alone can break it. You alone can free yourself.
In shattering that crystal bubble, you will feel the pain again. Accept it. Learn to find the pleasure. And let the pleasure overcome pain. Accept that pain can come with pleasure, and pleasure always comes with pain.
It's a risk, I know. But a jumble of emotions, a mixture of feelings, is better than not feeling at all.
You may have lost someone you love, but you will learn to find yourself again.
First posted http://pserotica.com/danelle-blog-lost-and-found
