50 Funniest Jokes
Laughter Extravaganza
It's a tough job, but somebody has to do it. Reading the more than 25,000 jokes that come flooding into the Reader's Digest humor offices each month, that is. For us, busting a gut is literally an occupational hazard. Here come the funniest of the funny.
Doctor, Doctor
Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."
St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."
Timing Is Everything
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!"
The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
"Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65," the newspaper obit read. "The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40 and 10:50."
-- Merrill Markoe, Late Night With David Letterman, The Book (Villard)
What's in a Name?
A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"
The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."
Quacking Up
A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, "That'll be $1.49."
The duck replies, "Put it on my bill!"
Who's Counting?
How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb?
12,001. That's one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
Explosively Funny
Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?"
A soothing voice at the other end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."
After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"
After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire.
"But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"
Say a Little Prayer
Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.
The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Happy Hour...With a Twist
A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer ............ and some of those peanuts."
The bartender says, "Sure, but why the big paws?"
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
A guy walks into a bar and there's a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse tending bar before?" The guy says, "It's not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place."
Playing With Our Words
My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
"Nothing. She's just having contractions."
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food."
The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Fore!
The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road. The first golfer in a foursome teed off and hooked the ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway.
As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer's friends asked, "How did you do that?"
The golfer shrugged. "You have to know the bus schedule."
Not Fade Away
? Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
? Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
? Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
? Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
? Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
Live and Learn
Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. "Let's set some parameters," the professor said. "What's the opposite of joy?" he asked one student.
"Sadness," he replied.
"The opposite of depression?" he asked another student.
"Elation," he replied.
"The opposite of woe?" the prof asked a young woman from Texas.
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup."
Man's Best Friend
A poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat."
"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" asked the collie.
"I can't," replied the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."
Q: Why are dogs such bad dancers?
A: They have two left feet.
Next Time, Let's Stay in a Hotel
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries.
"He says you're gonna die."
What a Card!
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
-- Pun American Newsletter
Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one.
"Break it to her gently," they all urge.
"Leave it to me," he says. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
"How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!"
What's Black and White and ...
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"
A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"
"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."
Swimming With Sharks
What do you get when you cross a librarian and a lawyer?
All the information you want, except you can't understand it.
What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else seems to think that they're jokes.
Why It's Important to Listen Carefully
Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"
Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.
The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared.
"This is not what you promised me," said Osama.
"Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven."
Thick Walls Make Good Neighbors
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
-- Steven Wright
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? How's it work?"
"Watch this," said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!"
Badump-Bump
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "This taste funny to you?"
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
Someone told him to get a long little doggy.
How do you keep a jackass in suspense? I'll let you know tomorrow!
A Little Perspective Goes a Long Way
A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. The bum says, "Mister, can you spare a dollar?"
The man thinks a minute. Then he asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?"
"No," says the bum.
The man then asks, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?"
Again the bum says, "No."
So the man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"
Q: How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. The egomaniac holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
Blue Collar Comedy
What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies? "Hey, y'all ... Watch this!"
Three things you'll never hear a redneck say:
? The tires on that truck are too big.
? I thought Graceland was tacky.
? Duct tape won't fix that!
You might be a redneck if you think the last words to "The Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
Good Question
Bob couldn't believe it -- he'd made it to the last round of his favorite game show. "Congratulations, Bob," said the emcee. "Answer correctly and you go home with five million dollars!
"This is a two-part question on American history," he continued. "The second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like first?"
Bob figured he'd play it safe. "I think I'll try the second part of the question first."
The emcee nodded approvingly, while the audience was silent with anticipation.
"Okay, Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"
The Usual Suspects
Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
The nurse said to the doctor, "There's an invisible man in the waiting room." The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him now."
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.
I saw two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One said to the other, "How do you like that? Pay toilets."
Do you know about the two TV antennas that got married? The wedding was terrible, but the reception was terrific.
Do you know what you get when you play a country song backward? You get your job back, you get your house back, your wife back, your truck back ...
Last Updated: 2005-08-05
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Amusing April Fools' Humor
Celebrate April Fools' Day with the funniest of our funny jokes.
Compiled by Amy Zerello
This April Fools' Day, you may be worried about falling victim to practical jokes and gags, but why spend the whole holiday on guard? Relax, and crack a smile with this assortment of some of our funniest reader submissions:
Funny Fluke
My dentistry patients are called and reminded the day before their scheduled appointments. During an office visit, one man was in an especially good humor and explained why. "My staff kids me about the high opinion I have of myself," he said. "Yesterday your receptionist left a message that had them in stitches."
He related the memo his secretary had handed him: "Your crown is ready."
-- Contributed by Michael M. Stryker
Zip It!
My mother taught for 11 years at a day-care center. One winter afternoon she was trying to show a young boy how to zip up his coat. "The secret," Mom said, "is to get this piece of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up."
After struggling with the zipper for several minutes, the boy sighed and said, "Why does it have to be a secret?"
-- Contributed by Elizabeth C. Boulter
...With Some Wit on the Side
Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a much beloved, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him -- his height. Or, should I say, his lack of it. One day, he stormed through the door and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!" Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for the one who blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"
-- Contributed by Bette Moeggenborg
All Aboard!
In the 22-story office building where I worked, rush hours meant crowds of people waiting a long time for the three passenger elevators. One evening my boss was one of the throng relegated to the freight elevator.
When a fellow rider complained about having to take this mode of transportation, my boss replied philosophically, "Better freight than never!"
-- Contributed by Lamar P. Chustz
Comic Calling
My younger brother, I explained to a friend, had quite a temper as a boy. Our parents had tried extra love, attention and patience on him, with little success. Then, in the middle of one of his tantrums, they simply handed him a shovel, pointed to the backyard and instructed him to go out and dig and not come back until he had control of his anger.
"Apparently," I said, "the therapy worked, because he's turned out very nicely."
"What does he do for a living?" my friend asked.
"He builds in-ground swimming pools."
-- Contributed by Lesley Luth
Sew in Stitches
Shortly after graduating from veterinary school, I rode with my mother in the Michigan Trail Riders' annual trek across state. Late one afternoon, I was summoned to look at a horse that had reared up and flipped over in his trailer. Fortunately the horse was not seriously injured, but some lacerations needed stitching.
As I worked, I heard my mother chatting with the perturbed owner. "Don't worry, sir," she said. "My daughter's a great vet. She'll fix your horse up just fine."
"That's good to hear," said the man. "How long has she been a vet?"
"A week," replied my mother, proudly. Then hastily she added, "But she's been embroidering since she was eight years old."
-- Contributed by Mary Ellen Linn
Down Under Droll
While I was working at a delicatessen in Sydney, Australia, a woman overheard my accent and asked if I was American. "Lovely!" she exclaimed when I told her that I was. "I've been looking for one of your lot. My son is living in the States with his American wife, and she sent me a recipe that calls for half-and-half. Could you tell me, luv, half of wot and half of wot?"
-- Contributed by E. Beerheide
Take a Number
Our chain of travel agencies was small but growing. As office manager, I often got complaints from staff members who deplored the demise of our family-oriented operation and the impending arrival of Big Brother. Then a computer memo from the home office informed us that we all had been assigned employee numbers. We were to use them instead of names in correspondence or telephone communication with the company.
"This is the last straw!" said an exasperated worker. "We've finally been reduced to a number!" commented another. One employee, however, read on. Imagine our delight when she discovered, at the end of the memo, this message: "In our book, you're all Number One. Happy April Fools' Day!"
-- Contributed by Connie McGough
Funny Farm
Our farm borders a main highway, and my husband and I wage a perpetual battle to keep our cows from heading for greener pastures across the road. One evening, as I slogged along the perimeter of our property looking for loose fencing, I saw a neighbor, also a farmer.
His greeting sent me on my rounds with a lighter step. "I see," he said, "you're Secretary of DeFence tonight!"
-- Contributed by Eugenia Mathes
Bank on a Blunder
As a bank teller, I was required to obtain identification from customers making withdrawals, even if I knew them. On Mrs. Brady's third visit to my window in a week, she balked at my request for ID. "I can't believe you don't know me after all these years," she said.
A few minutes later, I was relieving the drive-up teller and was surprised to see Mrs. Brady in the next car. "Hi, Mrs. Brady," I said, laughing. "Back again so soon?"
"I'm glad you remember me," she huffed, "because that girl inside never does!"
-- Contributed by Lynn Kelly
