Need Help? Contact the Espiya Helpdesk. CLICK HERE


Author Topic: The Best Humor Quotes  (Read 5067 times)

zensuke101

  • The Laughing Man
  • Webmasters/Programmer
  • Active - Top Level
  • *
  • Posts: 1937
  • Karma 80
  • "The Catcher in the Rye"
    • Public Security Section 9
Re: The Best Humor Quotes
« Reply #25 on: November 22, 2013, 10:01:51 am »
No one will win the battle of the sexes;
 there is too much fraternizing with the enemy.

sphinxavior

  • Gold Member (Premium)
  • Active - Three Stars
  • *
  • Posts: 369
  • Karma 6
Re: The Best Humor Quotes
« Reply #26 on: November 22, 2013, 02:55:02 pm »
mga humor quotes naman share natin

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

i don't wear a watch and i know where you wear yours.

2. People who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

people always tend to look for what is missing though there are alternate solutions on doing things.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

i want to have my cake and give it you.

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

literally?

5. When people say while watching a film, "did ya see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!

so how do you say it?

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

just say no. you have an option.

7. When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

something which is new but wasn't made known to everyone, and then improved.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do thats longer?

can't see the relation of doing something long with life being short.

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here???

oh, he thought you're a dispatcher.

- Unknown
Part of getting a second chance is taking responsibility for the mess you made in the first place.

zensuke101

  • The Laughing Man
  • Webmasters/Programmer
  • Active - Top Level
  • *
  • Posts: 1937
  • Karma 80
  • "The Catcher in the Rye"
    • Public Security Section 9
Re: The Best Humor Quotes
« Reply #27 on: November 23, 2013, 09:58:19 am »

zensuke101

  • The Laughing Man
  • Webmasters/Programmer
  • Active - Top Level
  • *
  • Posts: 1937
  • Karma 80
  • "The Catcher in the Rye"
    • Public Security Section 9
Re: The Best Humor Quotes
« Reply #28 on: November 23, 2013, 10:01:57 am »
Actual Answering Machine Messages.
*My wife and i can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

*This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name and your number and your reason for calling...and I'll think about returning your call.

*Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is john's refrigerator. Speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

*Hi. Now YOU say something.

*Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message, and if I don't call back, its you.

*Hello!If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call sooner.
- oneluckystar

zensuke101

  • The Laughing Man
  • Webmasters/Programmer
  • Active - Top Level
  • *
  • Posts: 1937
  • Karma 80
  • "The Catcher in the Rye"
    • Public Security Section 9
Re: The Best Humor Quotes
« Reply #29 on: November 23, 2013, 10:03:12 am »
rue story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.