Author Topic: Memories of a Dead Woman  (Read 595 times)

icecoldchiq

Memories of a Dead Woman
« on: July 15, 2013, 09:19:54 am »
her face looked so sober
eyes are shining with tears
she never knew what killed her
all her pain and miseries and fears

her lips are black and slightly open
her skin is pale and cold and stiff
her hair is sharp and black and then
her look is like the bottom of a cliff

her smile is sad and hurtful and phoney
her touch is cool and lost and gone
her strut is slow and low and lonely
she kept silent now things are said and done

her voice is soft and harsh and sharp
her breath is long and slow and cold
her tears are clear and cool and stark
she moves to ease her pain inside she holds

slowly i lifted my hands to touch her
to feel that gleaming face that's sober
and when i tried to tell her it would all soon be over

i saw her lips move
as mine did,
and my fingers slid down the face...



in the mirror
Loved the Beard :)

b0ler0

Re: Memories of a Dead Woman
« Reply #1 on: July 15, 2013, 03:01:20 pm »
I like it.  It's doleful without being melodramatic.  It's melancholic without begging sympathy. Most of the submissions here are like "poor pitiful me" poems which, really, do not evoke a level of emotional response from the reader - one which we can actually consider as art.

Your work is a refreshing change.

But it hasn't undergone a workshop, has it?

If you'd kindly allow me to say my piece, I only see two issues which can be improved.

First, the usage of the word "phony" is not really apropos to the tone that the first few stanzas established.  "Phony" is too colloquial a word... too cursory... too casual... too cutesy even.  Perhaps another adjective would serve the purpose better?  "Flimsy" perhaps? 

Second - though I think this is just me - when read aloud, the cadence of the last line of the fourth stanza is a little bit off.  Too many descriptive verbs for a mere 10 syllables, I believe.  I know you can phrase it better.

Other than those, great work!

Pierro7

Re: Memories of a Dead Woman
« Reply #2 on: July 15, 2013, 03:50:48 pm »
napapagamit tuloy ako ng dictionary di-oras.  :applause
A person becomes strong by accepting their fears.

icecoldchiq

Re: Memories of a Dead Woman
« Reply #3 on: July 15, 2013, 08:37:49 pm »
napapagamit tuloy ako ng dictionary di-oras.  :applause

Salamat sa paggugol ng oras sa pagbasa ng gawa ko. :)




I like it.  It's doleful without being melodramatic.  It's melancholic without begging sympathy. Most of the submissions here are like "poor pitiful me" poems which, really, do not evoke a level of emotional response from the reader - one which we can actually consider as art.

Your work is a refreshing change.

But it hasn't undergone a workshop, has it?

If you'd kindly allow me to say my piece, I only see two issues which can be improved.

First, the usage of the word "phony" is not really apropos to the tone that the first few stanzas established.  "Phony" is too colloquial a word... too cursory... too casual... too cutesy even.  Perhaps another adjective would serve the purpose better?  "Flimsy" perhaps? 

Second - though I think this is just me - when read aloud, the cadence of the last line of the fourth stanza is a little bit off.  Too many descriptive verbs for a mere 10 syllables, I believe.  I know you can phrase it better.

Other than those, great work!


Wow. :D Thank you so much for the feedback. Took note of it :) I'll be posting more and I hope you'd be able to find the time to read them and provide me helpful feedback like this.


I do have the tendency to break rhyme somewhere in a poem. It has been a habit I'm trying to evolve to my advantage. I'm still working on it though. Again, thanks!
Loved the Beard :)