I like it. It's doleful without being melodramatic. It's melancholic without begging sympathy. Most of the submissions here are like "poor pitiful me" poems which, really, do not evoke a level of emotional response from the reader - one which we can actually consider as art.
Your work is a refreshing change.
But it hasn't undergone a workshop, has it?
If you'd kindly allow me to say my piece, I only see two issues which can be improved.
First, the usage of the word "phony" is not really apropos to the tone that the first few stanzas established. "Phony" is too colloquial a word... too cursory... too casual... too cutesy even. Perhaps another adjective would serve the purpose better? "Flimsy" perhaps?
Second - though I think this is just me - when read aloud, the cadence of the last line of the fourth stanza is a little bit off. Too many descriptive verbs for a mere 10 syllables, I believe. I know you can phrase it better.
Other than those, great work!
Your work is a refreshing change.
But it hasn't undergone a workshop, has it?
If you'd kindly allow me to say my piece, I only see two issues which can be improved.
First, the usage of the word "phony" is not really apropos to the tone that the first few stanzas established. "Phony" is too colloquial a word... too cursory... too casual... too cutesy even. Perhaps another adjective would serve the purpose better? "Flimsy" perhaps?
Second - though I think this is just me - when read aloud, the cadence of the last line of the fourth stanza is a little bit off. Too many descriptive verbs for a mere 10 syllables, I believe. I know you can phrase it better.
Other than those, great work!
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