Topic: joke, joke, joke..........

[anne&jo]

tawa muna tayo!

1. Tatlong madre nagpunta sa palengke:
Madre1 : Magkano itong talong?
Tindera : Sampung piso ang apat na piraso.
Madre2 : Paano yan sister, tatlo lang ang kailangan
natin?
Madre3 : Bilhin mo na sister, yung isa ulam na lang
natin.

2. Teacher : Student, bakit mo dinala dito classroom
yang pusa?!
Student : Nakakaawa po kasi iiwan sa bahay.
Teacher : Bakit?
Student : Narinig ko po kasi kagabi yung ate ko sinabi
sa boyfriend
niya
na, "Bukas I will let you eat my pukaykay."

3. At a job interview?
Manager : Marunong ka ba mag-fax at mag-xerox?
Sexy applicant : Naku po, sir. Hindi pa ako na-xerox, pero maraming
beses na ako na-f*cks.

4. Pare1 : Ang t*nga talaga ng kapitbahay ko.
Pare2 : Bakit p're?
Pare1 : Ang pagka-intindi niya sa LAWSUIT e uniporme
ng pulis.
Pare2 : Ang t*nga naman niya! Hindi ba suot ng
abogado yun.

5. A wife wanted to scare her alcoholic husband. One
night, he comes home dead drunk, she dresses up as satan?
Husband : Shhino ka? (hik)
Wife : Si Satanas! Kukunin ko na kita!
Husband : Huwag mo akong takutin? asawa ko ang kapatid
mo!

6. Nanay : Naku anak, ang dami mo dalang pera at
pasalubong. Anim na buwan ka pa lang nagtratrabaho sa Japan a.
Anak : Ay naku Inay, kung dalawa lang ang pekpek ko,
DOBLE pa yan!

7. Bagong kasal si Elias, humingi siya ng tip satatay niya?
Elias : ' Tay, hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat ko
gawin sa honeymoon.
Tatay : Madali yan anak, basta ilagay mo ang
pinaka-matigas na parte ng katawan mo kung saan siya umiihi.
(Kinabukasan)
Tatay : O Elias, ayos ba kagabi anak?
Elias : Ginawa ko yung sinabi mo ' Tay, muntik na
akong malunod nang ipasok ko ang ulo ko sa inidoro namin.

8. Three Essential Things in Life:
1. Good food
2. Good sleep
3. Good sex
Number 3 lang puede na. Kasi habang nag-se-sex ka,
kinakain mo. After sex you sleep.

9. Magkumare nag-chichikahan?
Mare1 : Kinakausap mo ba ang mister mo habang nakikipag-sex ka?
Mare2 : Hindi ah! Pinapatay ko ang celphone ko para di niya ako
matawagan.

10. Sexy woman nagkukumpisal sa simbahan?
Sexy : Those are all my sins, Father. I hope God will
forgive me.
Priest : He does, my child. Pero ikwento mo nga uli
yung tungkol sa blowjob at 69.

11. Nagkita ang pari at madre sa isang seminar?
Pari : Ano ang apelyido mo, Sister?
Madre : Hulaan mo, hinahawakan mo gabi-gabi.
Pari : manoy !?!
Madre : Susmaryosep! Rosario po ang apelyido ko!

12. Defense Attorney: "What's your age?"
Little Old Woman: "I am 86 years old."
Defense Attorney: "Will you tell us in your own words, what happened to you?"
Little Old Woman: "I was sitting there in my swing on the porch, when a young man came creeping up on the porch and sat beside me."
Defense Attorney: "Did you know him?"
Little Old Woman: "No, but he sure was friendly."
Defense Attorney: "What happened after he sat next to you?"
Little Old Woman: "He started to rub my thigh."
Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him?"
Little Old Woman: "No."
Defense attorney: "Why not?"
Little Old Woman: "It felt good. Nobody had touched me that way since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago."
Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"
Little Old Woman: "He rubbed my breasts."
Defense attorney: "Did you stop him then?"
Little Old Woman: "No, I did not."
Defense attorney: "Why not?"
Little Old Woman: "Why, your honor, his rubbing made me feel alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years."
Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"
Little Old Woman: "I was feeling so spicy, I just spread my old legs and said 'take me young man, take me.'"
Defense attorney: "Did he take you?"
Little Old Woman: "Hell no, that's when he yelled 'April Fools!' and that's when I shot the son of a *****!!!"

[PinagpalA]

nice post have more!!!

enjoy ako magbasa kahit nabasa ko na yong iba!!

ok namang ulitin hahahaha, pantanggal ng stress!!

[anne&jo]

Pinapaselos
Ring, ring............
Amo: Inday, sagutin mo an telepono baka kabit yan ng Sir mo!!!
Inday: Si Ma'am talago o... pinapaselos ako!!!

Most sensitive
Question: What is the most sensitive part of the body when masturbating?
Answer: The ears.
Why: To hear incoming footsteps.

Anak ng Condom
Boy to Dad: Dad, why did you name me Conrad Domingo? Now, my friends call me ConDom.

Elsa
Ako si Elsa, labing-isang taong gulang...
..ng gamitin ako ng taga-jolibee, and sabi ko ay, "Isa pa, isa pa."
..ng gamitin ako ng taga-McDonalds, and sabi ko ay, "Ang sarap ulit-ulitin."
..ng gamitin ako ng taga-KFC, and sabi ko ay, "It's finger lickin' good."

Good Time
"Honey, good time naman tayo." landi ni misis kay mister.
"Sige ba. Pero kung mauna kang uuwi sa akin, pakibukas na lang ilaw sa labas ha." sagot ni mister.

Dahil sa Pera
"Kung hindi sa pera ko hindi ka makakatira sa ganitong kalaking bahay!" sigaw ng mister sa kanyang misis.
"Hoy, kung 'di dahil sa pera mo wala din ako dito!" balik naman ng misis sa mister.

Wedding Ring
"Mali yata ang pagkakasuot mo ng wedding ring mo kumare?" tanong ng kaibigan sa kanyang kalaro sa mahjong.
"Okay lang 'yun, mali rin kasi ang napakasalan ko eh," sagot naman ng ka quorum.

Sinong t*nga?
"Alam mo bang napakatanga ko noong pinakasalan kita!" sigaw ni misis na hihiwalay na sa kanyang mister. "Alam ko, pero in-love ako sa iyo noon kaya hindi ko na lang pinansin ang katangahan mo," sagot naman ni mister.

Milyonaryo
"Ako ang tumulong sa asawa ko para maging milyonaryo!" pagyayabang ng isang misis sa kanyang mga kumare. "Bakit, ano ba siya dati?" tanong ng isang kumare. "Bilyonaryo." sagot ni misis na gastador.

Holdap
Sakay ng kotse si Juancho kasama niya ang anak niyang dalagang si Juanita. Habang umaandar ang sasakyan, bigla silang pinara ng kung ilang lalaki na may baril kaya biglang napahinto si Juancho sa pagda-drive.
Mabilis namang nakapag-isip si Juanita. Dali-dali niyang nilagay sa loob ng ari niya ang kanyang relo at pera ng patago.
Paglabas ng dalawa sa kotse, inutusan sila agad na maghubad para makuha ang mga gamit nila.
Pati ang kotse ay tinangay ng mga holdappers at naiwan ang mag-amang nakahubad.
"Paano tayo ngayon niyan? Wala tayong perang maipambabayad kung sakaling kumuha tayo ng taxi," wika ni Juancho.
"Huwag kayong mag-alala itay, nakapagtago ako ng pera at ng relo ko sa loob ng ari ko kaya may pang taxi tayo, "tuwang sabi ni Juanita. Nalungkot naman si Juancho. "Sayang, sana kasama natin ngayon ang nanay mo."
"Bakit, para makapagtago pa ng maraming pera?" "Hindi, para pati sana 'yung kotse, naitago rin."

Kamukha
Pinagmamalaki ni Maria ang kanyang bagong silang na sanggol sa kanyang mga kaibigang babae.
"Ang cute cute ng anak mo! Kamukha ng tatay niya!" sabi nila.
"Oo nga eh, ayun ang pinag-aawayan naming mag-asawa palagi. Hindi niya raw kasi kamukha ang bata," sabi ni Maria.

Katulad ni Inay
"Itay, nakakita na po ako ng pakakasalan kong babae. Kamukhang-kamukha siya ni inay pati ugali," kuwento ng binata sa kanyang ama.
"Ano ngayon ang gusto mo sa akin? Awa?" galit na sagot ng tatay.

Kabit
"Inay, nabasa ko sa diyaryo mahigit sisenta porsiyento ng may asawang lalaki na taga-Maynila, kumakaliwa sa mga misis nila," kuwento ng anak na babae sa kanyang inay.
"Oo naman anak, kasi 'yung natitirang kuwarenta porsiyento, sa probinsiya nila dinadala ang mga kabit nila," paliwanag ng ina.

Saan galing ang Baby?
"Mommy, saan nanggagaling ang mga baby?" tanong ng batang paslit sa kanyang ina.
"Kapag nagsi-sex ang isang lalaki at isang babae, pinapasok ng lalaki ang kanyang ari sa ari ng babae, kaya
nagkakaroon sila ng baby," paliwanag ng ina.
"Bakit kagabi nakita ko kayo ni daddy, subo mo ang ari niya."
"Ay, ayun naman ang paraan para magkaroon ka ng bagong mga alahas," paliwanag ng ina.

Maling Akala
Kahit walang bilib sa hula, sumubok si Pedro na magpahula.
"Dalawa ang anak mo ngayon," sabi ng manghuhula kay Pedro habang binabasa nito ang palad niya.
"Yun ang akala mo," sumbat ni Pedro. "Para sa iyong kaalaman, tatlo ang anak ko sa misis ko."
"Yun ang akala mo," singhal naman ng manghuhula.

Sex
"Honey nanganak na ako," balita ng misis kay mister sa telepono.
"Talaga? Ano ang sex?" tanong ng mister.
"Ano ba naman 'yan, kapapanganak ko pa lang, sex na agad ang iniisip mo?" tanong ng misis na ngarag pa yata sa anesthesia.

Divorce
Kumakain sa restaurant ang mag-asawa nang may dumaan na magandang dilag, nakipag-usap sa lalaki at hinalikan ito sa pisngi bago sila iniwan.
"Sino `yon?" tanong ng babae.
"Kung kailangan mo talagang malaman, siya ang kabit ko," sagot ng lalaki.
"Napakasama mo! Ipinakita mo pa sa akin ang kabit mo! Bukas na bukas din, magpa-file ako ng divorce!"
"Sige, iiwan mo ako? Pati ang mga alahas mo, ang dalawa mong Mercedes Benz, ang mga damit mo pati na ang bahay-bakasyunan natin sa Baguio, Palawan at Hong Kong?"
Natigatig ang babae.
Maya-maya, may nakita silang pangit na babaeng dumaan at kumaway sa lalaki at nagtanong na naman ang babae.
"Sino naman `yon?" tanong ng nagtitimping misis.
"Kabit ni Kumpareng Boy."Nangiti ang misis.
"Mas magandang `di hamak ang kabit natin kaysa sa kanya, `no?"

[NaUTi]

hahaha...nice post miss...kakatawa siya...really...hehehe

[wendle]

ayus ahh post more 

[Seek N Strike]

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.  While on the operating table she had a near experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck.  She even had someone come in and change her hair color.  Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said had another 40
years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?"
 
(You'll love this!!!).

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

[imbento]

nice joke

["Phoenix"]

Galing nman ni mam joanne........ok to ha....naka2tanggal ng stresss.....hehehehe.....

San u ba kinukuha yan mam joanne??? nice post...

[anne&jo]

Galing nman ni mam joanne........ok to ha....naka2tanggal ng stresss.....hehehehe.....

San u ba kinukuha yan mam joanne??? nice post...

some were emailed and some are from other forums, hehehe

[anne&jo]

A young man moves to California and goes to a big mega-department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

Well, the koya liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the koya came down.

"How many sales did you make today?" the koya asked. The kid says, "One." The koya says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, $101,237.64."

The koya says, $101,237.64? What did you sell?"

The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer."

The koya said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot -- you might as well go fishing."

[greenjoseph]

galing, very nice post, nakakaaliw....

[anne&jo]

An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.

The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.

"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?". No response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"For the fifth time, chicken!"